Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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