hell yes lets make some ravioli
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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