my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
