I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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