If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
