omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
