her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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