just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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