My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
