Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
