tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
