If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
