Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
