worst night to have a conscience
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
