o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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