3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
