I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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