he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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