I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
