and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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