so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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