I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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