...so i touched it.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
