i would punch a child for taco bell
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
