mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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