The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
