Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
