Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
