at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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