if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just googled if crying burns calories
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
