so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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