Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
