Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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