is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
