It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
