DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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