Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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