I just pynch a tree in the face
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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