atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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