So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
