So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
