Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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