I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
