As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
