Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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