Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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