Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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