my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
i now understand why vodka
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
