I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
