im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
