i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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